So you’ve downed two gin & tonics and subsequently discovered a newfound confidence within yourself. The 5’8 guy by the bar sporting a Patagonia vest isn’t your ideal victim, but he’s the most effective tool (yes, pun intended) to quench your thirst for more liquor.
Carefully slide up next to him, leaning over to whisper, “I love your watch.” He’ll blush and express his gratitude. This next bit of dialogue is crucial. You carry on, “Let me guess, you work at Goldman Sachs?” He doesn’t. His stepdad got him an offer at a boutique firm no one’s ever heard of. You follow up, “Ugh, Goldman doesn’t deserve you anyways. But I’m sure your salary is still impressive… Impressive enough to buy me a drink, I hope.” Listen to him talk about his bonus until the margarita comes. Then run for your life.
This time, we’re going to appeal to a man’s physical need for validation, which can be most optimally targeted through competition. Men love contests — just look at the gladiators, or like, medieval duels. You can challenge him to a death-match if you feel like it, but an arm wrestling contest will be just as effective. Tell him if you win, he has to buy you a drink. Definitely don’t offer to pay if he wins, though. He might actually take you up on it… which would be gross. Even if you’re yolked, it’s crucial that you let him win. Afterwards, you say, “It’s not fair that you’re so strong. I was really thirsty.” This line must be accompanied with your best pair of puppy dog eyes. I’m fairly certain he’ll cave, but if he doesn’t, just repeat with his friend.
If you don’t feel like taking initiative, just sit back and relax for this one. You spot a flock of finance bros steadily approaching you and your friends. They smell like Whiskey and desperation, but I trust you can put up with it long enough to pull off this heist. Bro #3 invades your personal space just enough to ask, “Where ya from?” You shoot back a confused look and scream, “HUH?” He’ll repeat himself loudly. This is your cue to reply, “Sorry, I can’t hear you at all. I’m too thirsty.” Hopefully he’s not too braindead to understand your sarcasm, though I can’t promise you he won’t be. In an ideal scenario, he understands his manly duty and rushes off to fetch you an espresso martini. Accept it graciously and inform him that your ears have now opened. But only for, like, three minutes tops.
